Let it Go

I have to be very careful that Disney doesn’t come after me, but it really sums up what I want to write about. And I should acknowledge that I have been negligent in blogging for some time now. You’ve been fine, I know.

Ok so most of the time we never talk about anything other than how to get better, make more of your practice time, get over performance anxiety, and topics that all deal with an on going performing life. But no one talks about what happens when the end of the trail comes. Lets face it, one way of another, it will come.

Life is a process, and our life playing music has a process. We spend time gaining our skill, honing it, maintaining it, and if you are like a lot of folks, you think it will go on indefinitely. Or you try not to think about it at all. I get it, it’s a passion and who wants to stop being involved in something they love.

And maybe you don’t need to think about this for a long time, so why bother thinking about it now? Well if not this particular topic, maybe there’s something else in your life that you may need to consider dropping. That old pair of jeans that is ripped beyond decency, or maybe it’s a relationship. Letting go can be hard.

But let me stick with the idea of a career. I recently did this, so I have personal experience, and that’s all I can talk about really, what it’s been like for me. Your milage may vary.

I’ve been around colleagues that held on a little too long. I get it, if you consider how long many of us have been active, we’re talking decades. By this point, our identity is wrapped up in what we do. Maybe even more so for musicians.

Is music something you do, or is it who you are? You wouldn’t be the first person to identify with your job, to the point where without it, you’re lost! Be careful, it happens. If we get all our self worth from playing, not playing will really make you feel lost.

I was proud of what I’d accomplished. Not everyone gets to do what I did for many years. But as I aged, two things happened. One was it got harder to keep up the high level I thought it required. (some may debate I had accomplished a high standard, but for the sake of argument let’s presume I did) The second thing was it became less engaging. Oh my, shudder to think, after years and years anyone could ever get tired of playing Brahms and Beethoven. 

I felt with so few jobs and so many looking for a position like mine, since I could financially afford to walk away, it would be a good idea to let some young person have their time. And as I had heard before, better five years too early than five minutes too late.

But having retired, the real transition began. Not playing everyday isn’t something you have to consider, it’s the performing and being with your friends and colleagues. You can always sit in your house and play trombone. But that’s not the same. Not nearly!

And once you leave the “Club” you can’t expect to be welcomed back the same way. It’s different when you aren’t on the field everyday with your team. Sure, you can stop by the locker room, everyone is nice, but you aren’t in the game, and it’s obvious. 

So what do you do with your time? Do you golf? Fish? Let’s hope that you do have other interests in life. If you spent your whole life living for the trombone, it’s going to be tough. I think that’s why a fair number of musicians don’t want to leave. But it’s a whole lot better leaving because you decided, that they come ask for a meeting…uh Gerry, what’s your plan? How much longer are you going to keep pretending, er I mean, playing?

It was nice to have our STL manager ask why I was leaving so early. He may have just been trying to be nice, but I chose to believe him.

So now I’m living my new life, and trust me, I had been getting ready…as much as you can. And I was ready to go. Enough of the kiddie shows at 9:00 am with screaming youngsters, enough sitting hour after hour while they work with the violins, enough new works from composers that obviously do not understand my instrument!

I was ready. But even though I was ready, financially, emotionally, etc. the hard part was watching everyone else go on. If you can’t transition to something, teaching, calling the games from the booth like Tom Brady, it is hard to see life go on for those still active.

Until I remembered the kiddie shows at 9:00 am, and rehearsals with bad conductors (not a lot of good ones!) And the bright side of not playing every day on stage, I could chill with the long tones! You can go on a vacation with no horn, not even a mouthpiece! 

I still sometimes felt compelled to go practice. Hard to stop cold turkey. It was like I was being a bad person! Day after day of not trying to get better, not working on some new solo. How could I be so lazy!

But then it started to dawn on me, I’d already done my bit. Now I could relax and enjoy the other things in life that I’d had to put on hold. And there is a lot more out there, at least for me.

So now, I can feel just fine about not working every day. I’ve been doing that for years, I can go back and listen to lots of great recordings I was fortunate to play on, and realize it was a great ride (no not Wagner!) I could be proud. Now I enjoy listening back, and I’m lucky cause I have a decent stockpile of recordings. 

I could have kept going, as I said, it was my decision. But it was time. Other folks have to decide for themselves, but when and how I left feels good to me, looking back.

And what I do now is also up to me. Some will keep playing, teaching, writing, and that’s cool. We all have to decide what’s best for us through life. Some outfits that work for others just don’t work for me, so you do you, and I’ll do me. (do you really think cut off jean shorts still work these days, I mean seriously!)

But it has been a transition. And maybe you have decades to go, but there will come a time. You can file it away for later, but do yourself a favor and do it with eyes wide open.

If you still love it, and think you’re still holding up your end, by all means, you keep going! But if you start to wonder if you’re the weakest link, maybe its’ time to consider an exit. Before they either come for you, or you tarnish a long career. It wouldn’t be the first time someone stayed too long. Not everyone is Tom Brady. 

And if you’re sitting next to someone that is closer to the end than the beginning, be generous. Your time will come too, and how you treat others matters. Chances are they just need to get their mind right about it. Be patient, even when it’s obvious the time has come. 

I’m not saying it’s easy, but leaving isn’t easy either. Sometimes folks pass away two months after they leave. As if their life was over when they retired. It happens. A great team has veterans as well as rookies. 

Here’s a weird analogy, but hopefully it makes sense to you: my wife and I enjoy camping, and you see lots of ways to do it. There’s the traditional, old school tent. Cheap and easy, but not always comfortable. Then there’s the camping van, the trailer, the forty foot behemoth, and the Bus. Some folks camp better than others live all the time!

But my point is, you have to do what works for you. And as much as it’s interesting to see what others choose, you have to take all your needs into consideration and do what’s right for you and yours.

Just don’t be afraid to let go. It may take a while to find your best life on the “other side” but I feel sad for you if there isn’t something. And don’t wait until you’re too old! Some things need a little mobility! 

I am enjoying my “afterlife”! It’s so nice to have such freedom. No schedule, no traffic to get through. You give up some things, and you gain others. 

Maybe this topic is way off for you, or maybe it will help you understand others near you now dealing with this. And it’s just coming from one persons experience. I can’t tell you what clothes to wear in the morning, or what tent to buy. 

Life is a continual series of adjustments. Be ready for whatever the next stage of your life may be, and if you can, give others around you the space to tackle theirs. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do absolutely nothing!